The Lazy Author’s Guide to Building a Website by Candy Harper
One year before the publication of your debut, have brilliant and entirely original idea to create a bright and appealing website that will without doubt help you to become a bestseller.
Wait almost a year.
Convince your most tech-savvy relative to make you a website. It’s good news if this is your partner because then you can use motivational techniques to help them get it finished, like withholding bathroom privileges or the right to speak to you. Things are not so easy if your website builder ends up being your brother-in-law. You’re going to spend a lot of time ringing up your sister pretending to care how her day went.
Attempt to write a snappy and amusing biography only to discover that a) writing in the third person makes you sound like a tosser and b) there is nothing snappy or amusing about your life. Nothing. Eventually, you realise that not only are you dull, you’re also so lacking in imagination that you can’t even make up exciting hobbies for yourself.
Get drunk and put up an About Me page that says I wrote a ****ing book! What more do you people want from me?
Alter About Me page to something blander, safe in the knowledge that no one will have looked you up anyway.
Field a phone call from your mother asking if she raised you to use language like that?
Launch website. ‘Launch’ suggests some sort of party with cocktails and cupcakes, but it’s unlikely that you’ll manage more than a tweet. Don’t forget to add three exclamation marks in order to convey enthusiasm.
Sit back and wait for sales to increase.
6-18 months later decide that your website looks out-dated and begin the whole process again. Start by buying your brother-in-law something better than socks for Christmas.Candy Harper is the author of HAVE A LITTLE FAITH and KEEP THE FAITH. Her latest book PERFECTLY ELLA is available now. @candyharper__