AUTHOR ALLSORTS

A group of published UK-based authors and illustrators of picture books, children's and YA.

The Lazy Author’s Guide to Writing a Guest Post by Candy Harper

3 months before deadline:

Agree to write a guest post. No need to worry about this because by the time it’s due you will have finished your work in progress and transformed into a really organised and productive person.

Either that or you’ll have tripped on all that junk you leave on stairs and you’ll be dead anyway.

 

1 month before deadline:

Have a vague idea for your post and scribble it down on the back of a Starburst wrapper.

Feel sad that Starburst aren’t called Opal Fruits anymore.

Feel even sadder that all your Twitter friends are too young to remember Opal Fruits.

 

1 week before deadline:

Start to question the sanity of the people who gave you a publishing deal. You can’t even string a sentence together.

Spend many hours stringing together very depressed sentences so that your social media friends can feel your pain.

Become quite impressed with your depressed sentences.

Consider writing something post-apocalyptic featuring depressed emo zombie teens next.

 

Day before deadline:

Insist that it’s fine for you to spend the morning shopping for drawing pins / rearranging the towels / watching Peppa Pig because you definitely remember making copious notes on this blog post thing. It’s just a matter of typing it up.

Turn house upside-down looking for your ‘notes’. Finally locate tattered Starburst wrapper with the word ‘thought soup’ written on it, accompanied by a drawing of giraffe.

 

Day of deadline:

One or all of the following dies: your favourite pot plant, the boiler, Great Aunt Joyce, the car, the dog, your hopes and dreams.

Seriously consider posting your doodle of the giraffe.

 

Final hour:

Write cheerful blog post whilst sobbing.

Add kitten picture.

 

Deadline:

As you suspected, the computer has been harbouring a grudge ever since you snorted coffee all over the keyboard. So now Mr Computer is getting his revenge by refusing to upload my post.

Pat computer soothingly whilst making a mental note for future laptop purchases to ask for one that doesn’t have a passive aggressive personality.

Panic that the computer can hear your thoughts.

Take a calm and logical approach to your problem by pressing the same button over and over again.

Convince your partner / dad / friend-that-you-really-must-see-on-an-occasion-not-related-to-a-computer-emergency to help you.

Watch them post your post by doing exactly what you already tried nine hundred times.

 

Post-posting:

Obsessively check the comments. Any that appear will be about how to earn $500 a day or how cute the kitten is.

Swear never to agree to write anything over 140 characters ever again.

 

10 minutes later:

Agree to write another guest post.

18114649

Candy Harper is the fourth of five sisters, which means she still eats with one arm shielding her plate. There are enough children’s books in her house to build a fort, but she absolutely hasn’t ever skived off work to do that.

Her latest book KEEP THE FAITH continues the story of tearaway Faith as she tries to snag her dream boy and stay out of trouble without bringing her granny or pickled onions into the mix. Unsuccessfully.

 

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4 comments on “The Lazy Author’s Guide to Writing a Guest Post by Candy Harper

  1. dansmithsbooks
    April 30, 2014

    No need to feel too sad – I remember Opal Fruits. I also remember when Snickers was Marathon, penny sweets cost 1p, and you could still buy Spangles!!

  2. kateormand
    April 30, 2014

    Very funny as always, Candy. Hope you didn’t have too much trouble posting this guest post. I don’t see any kitten photos so assuming all went well.

  3. Isabel Thomas
    May 1, 2014

    I loved this!

  4. lenoreva
    May 9, 2014

    Ha! (scrolling through again and STILL don’t see the kitten picture) 😉

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This entry was posted on April 30, 2014 by and tagged , .

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